Three Things That Make Husbands Cringe

Bear with me, readers. I often confront men boldly and unapologetically in my writing. But since over 80 percent of books are purchased by women—and many are arguably slanted toward their perspective—I thought it was time to represent the male point of view in this one, small article. (Yes, I’m a little nervous.)

After nearly twenty years of observing men in the context of marriage mentoring, I’ve noticed three common areas that strike a nerve—no matter how tough the guy may seem. These are the things that consistently make husbands cringe:

1. A wife who frequently nags
2. A wife who sees through a critical lens
3. A wife who is controlling

Let’s be honest—it’s healthy for all of us to take a long, hard look in the mirror and face the truth about how we operate. If any part of this article hits close to home, take it to heart, and more importantly, take it to the Lord. It just might help strengthen your marriage.

1. A Wife Who Frequently Nags

Yes, I realize some husbands might deserve a nudge now and then—at least in their wife’s eyes. But whether he deserves it isn’t the real question. The better question is: Is it helping? And the answer is clear: No.

Proverbs 27:15-16 says, “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.”

Healthy marriages require learning the skill of managing conflict. It's not something we're born with—it’s something we develop over time. Part of that skill is learning how to confront your spouse in a way that’s both honest and effective. If your confrontations aren't working—or are making things worse—you need to own that and seek a better way.

The issue isn’t always what you’re confronting—it’s how you’re doing it. Sometimes, the conflict stops being about the issue at hand and becomes about the way it’s being handled.

One helpful strategy is to ask your husband directly:
“What’s the best way for me to confront you or remind you about something?”
Listen closely to his answer, repeat it back to him, and then put it into practice. If he still has an issue with your approach after that, that’s on him—not you.

In my own marriage, I once asked Pam to use sticky notes. I love them. They’re not nagging, not angry, and not accusatory. They’re short, clear, and to the point. Sometimes she even adds a smiley face. It works for us—but the key is finding what works for you. Try different approaches until you find your rhythm. If something fails, don’t keep repeating it. Try something new.

2. A Wife Who Sees Through a Critical Lens

Proverbs 21:19 says, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman.”

I once saw a cartoon that brought this verse to life. It pictured a husband alone in the middle of the desert, sitting on a couch, drenched in sweat, holding a remote control, happily watching TV. The caption quoted this exact verse—and it made me laugh, but it also made a point.

The truth is many critical wives don’t even realize they’re being critical. To them, it feels normal. A husband walks in the door with dirt on his pants, and without so much as a greeting, his wife blurts out:
“You’ve got dirt ALL OVER your pants—don’t sit down in here!” followed by a big sigh and “Go, change your clothes.”
He walks away in silence. And the cycle continues.

Maybe she frequently comments on his eating habits, his passion for sports, his loud friends, his driving, his lack of follow-through, his work ethic, his passivity, his drinking—you name it.

Let’s say every single one of those criticisms is true. Ask yourself:
“Is pointing it out helping?”
“Is it honoring to God?”
“Would I want to be treated the same way?”

Contempt breeds contempt. It’s rare for criticism to produce long-term growth or intimacy. More often, it produces rebellion. Kids tune out or turn away. Spouses withdraw—or worse, look elsewhere. Criticism should be used sparingly and wisely—it’s not a blunt weapon.

Instead, learn how to communicate in a way that motivates rather than controls. If you realize you have a critical spirit, repent. Ask God for forgiveness, and then ask your husband for the same. Learn communication methods that foster encouragement and clarity without harshness.

I’m not saying you should turn a blind eye to bad behavior. Not at all. But there's a better way to address it.

Instead of:
“You never pick up after yourself!”
Try:
“It would mean a lot to me if you could make a habit of putting your clothes in the hamper.” (Say it with a smile, then leave it there.)

This approach creates a much more positive outcome. Your husband feels respected, not attacked. And often, this opens the door for him to want to serve and love you even more.

3. A Wife Who Is Controlling

You’ve probably heard the sayings, “When momma’s not happy, nobody’s happy,” or “Happy wife, happy life.” I don’t like either one. They diminish the role and value of men and imply that marriage is all about keeping the woman happy. That’s not biblical. Where’s the humility in that?

Let’s not forget: men want divorce as often as women do. When a man is miserable, the marriage is just as much at risk as when a woman is unhappy. Both partners need joy—or the marriage will suffer.

Controlling wives rarely realize they’re controlling. In marriage mentoring, this is often one of the toughest issues to address.

So, what does it mean to be controlling?
It means one person imposes their preferences onto the other. It means elevating personal opinions to moral absolutes and dismissing opposing views as wrong.

What’s the antidote?
Learning to compromise.
Negotiating respectfully.
Creating unity in decisions.

We often help couples break this cycle by teaching them how to make proposals to one another, how to be flexible, and how to find middle ground—without disrespecting each other.

There’s a direct correlation between a couple’s ability to communicate, negotiate, and collaborate—and their level of marital joy. The more those skills increase, the more joy increases. It’s rare to see a couple caught in controlling patterns who are also full of joy.

One of my favorite books on this topic is Boundaries. It empowers the person being controlled to take a healthy stand and helps the controlling person learn to let go in a productive, peaceful way.

What many controlling spouses don’t realize is how much pressure they’re putting on themselves. They stop being a partner and start acting like a parent. That’s exhausting—for both of you.

Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Release control. Learn to collaborate. Find peace in your marriage. Become your husband’s partner, not his parent—his best friend, his lover, and his helpmate.

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